Recently, I was conversing with someone special and close – a person in whom I choose to confide, sharing a part of myself that I don’t show to anyone in my daily life. We reconnected after a break (we used to chatter almost every day before). I was full of beans whenever we conversed, and during our conversation, I expressed how it felt as if it had been ages since I had engaged in talks and laughter like this.
When I said, “If I am not talking to you, consider that I probably wouldn’t be talking to anyone else,” implying my zero-contact nature, I also mentioned to him that I am a loner living my life beautifully away from everyone.
Some days, my overthinking mind leads me to assume that if I disappeared from the world, nobody would know or care. I know that’s not true, or maybe it is. Uhh, those moments — Paralysis by over analysis.
However, he wasn’t ready to accept it. He immediately dismissed my tag of being a “loner,” saying, “No, you’re not.” I tried to explain why I felt that way, but there was no point; it seemed he only knew the part of me I had shown him. I wished he had tried to know me a little deeper. He might be confused, having a different perception of me that doesn’t align with my self-identification based on what he had seen in me ( I portrayed, according to him).
Sometimes, even people close to me find it challenging to determine whether I am an introvert or extrovert, especially when I mostly shut everyone out and prefer to be in my own zone.
On the surface, nobody would guess that I’m not an extrovert. However, if you find me at a gathering with loud music and noise, you’ll notice my evident discomfort and introverted side. People often ask why I choose to behave this way or avoid gatherings, mentioning how fun it is to be there. I would dismiss it, saying it’s not my cup of coffee, and try to flee from the situation as soon as possible.
Let me tell you this — Growing up, I didn’t have many friends outside of my siblings. We found deep bonds within each other that we didn’t feel like we needed friendship from the outside. Even now, I don’t have close friends from school, university, or from the workplace.
Am I lonely? No… I have happily lived alone for a decade, and now, I live an ocean away from my large family and close ones, with my tiny family. I do not mind being on my own. In fact, I love my freedom, space, and solitude.
Am I shy? Lack confidence? Fearful of something? Definitely not. I may feel discomfort for unknown reasons in situations where I’m not at ease. In places I’m not comfortable with, it will take time for me to adjust, or I won’t be able to adapt at all. Is it a psychological factor that needs addressing? Regardless, I prefer to be alone and call myself a loner or anti-social.
Does that mean I don’t talk to anyone or don’t maintain connections? Of course not. I am open to new conversations, deep connections, new people, new changes, new experiences and new places too. When it comes to communication and connecting, I prefer to be with a smaller group or a couple of individuals in my life. When it comes to open conversation, I prefer strangers who share a similar vibe. That gives me mental and physical peace from wherever I am, with no need to pretend or please.
My meet-ups are most of the time spontaneous, and my preferred type of party or gathering is a house gig with my chosen people—those who bring me laughter and peace, sharing a similar aura and energy.
Sometimes, I feel that if we look closely, all introverts have an extroverted side, and vice versa. Maybe I could describe myself as a good mixture of both, depending on the social situation and the people around me.
I am content and comfortable just being myself. I suppose there is space and acceptance for everyone in this world. If we don’t feel it’s there, then we just have to find our place and create our own world to be happy and content.
Some days, I have the best conversations and giggles with people around, maybe a stranger I just met on the go or someone online. That’s not always the case. My life may not always be vibrant, but I still have colorful days with myself.
Let me clarify, loneliness is not something I suffer from. I’m a loner by choice.
Call me a loner, an introvert, or an extrovert, anti-social, or whatever you like. I will either fit into them wholeheartedly, and if I do not fit in, it means I belong somewhere else.
I suppose we are often trying to fit in and live by the ‘Tags.’ It’s not important to fit into labels given by others or ourselves and put ourselves in uncomfortable situations where we clearly know we don’t belong in those tags.
With whatever tags I carry, whether self-assigned or given by others, I am perfectly content with my uniqueness or distinctiveness.
So, guess what? I don’t concern myself with all these tags. They simply allow me to reflect and get to know myself a little more.
©Shimmering Muse 2024
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